NOV
17
St Martin's Church
St Martin’s Church Centre
Church Street
Liskeard
Cornwall
PL14 3AQ
Tel: 01579 347411 (Church Office)
Email: St Martin's Church 
Facebook: LiskeardPrayers
Twitter: @liskeardprayers
Click here for our church services
Bob's Tool Box, Liskeard Cattle Market, Liskeard, PL14 4YY
Ward Randall Limited, Chartered Accountants and Registered Auditors
Well Being Centre, Pigmeadow Lane, Liskeard, PL14 6AT. Tel:01579 344090
Rob Frost Photography,

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven

He reaches the pearly gates and joins the back of a long queue. However, St Peter rushes up, grabs him by the arm and took him straight to the front of the queue.
"I'm so pleased to see you and God is really looking forward to meeting you too."

The accountant is perplexed and replies. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I’m totally amazed by your welcome”.

"It's the least we can do” says St. Peter, “after all, it’s not often that we get someone who’s lived to the ripe old age of 146”.

The man looks even more confused. "146? But I’m only 58 years old."

St. Peter looks at him strangely, "But that can't be right. Based on the time you’ve charged your clients you must be at least 146 years old!"

Appraisals

A managing director was assessing his managing team.

First, he called in the production director. "I'm assessing my management team", he says, "so tell me, what's two plus two?" The production director gets out his calculator, taps away for a bit and then announces his answer: "allowing for wastage, about 3.9".

Next he calls in the sales and marketing director. "I'm assessing my management team", he says, "so tell me, what's two plus two?" The sales and marketing answers straight away: "In a good month it can be as much as 5, but in a bad month as low as 3."

Lastly he calls in the finance director. "I'm assessing my management team", he says, "so tell me, what's two plus two?" The finance director jumps up from his seat, creeps over to the door and opening it quickly checks that the corridor is empty. He then closes it quietly, turns to the managing director and asks, "Why, what do you want it to be?".

Count on us

Did you know that there are three types of accountants?

Those of us who can count, and

those of us who can't.

Definition of an accountant

Question: What's the definition of an
accountant?

Answer: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand

Extrovert

Question:
How can you tell an extrovert accountant from an introvert one?

Answer:
He looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Dead duck

A man brought his pet duck into the vets and laid it down gently onto the examination table. It didn’t move at all. The vet came over and examined the duck carefully. “I’m sorry to tell you” he said, “that you duck has passed on.

“I don’t believe you!” exclaimed the man. “I demand a second opinion”.

The vet opened the door and whistled. A Labrador dog entered the room. It put its front paws on the table by the duck and sniffed it. Then he nudged it with his nose and looked at the man with sad eyes and shook his head before jumping down and leaving the room.

“I’m not accepting the opinion of a dog” he said. “I want another check on my duck. My daughter loves him and I have to make sure”.

“OK” says the vet, and opens the door again. In walks a tabby cat. It jumps up on the table and stands astride the duck. Then it moves its head back and forth across the duck from his beak all the way to his tail. Like the dog, it looks at the man, shakes its head, jumps down and leaves.

“Alright” he says, “I guess the duck is dead. How much do I owe you”?

“£500 please” replies the vet.

“How much!” exclaims the man. “That’s ridiculous”!

“Well, it would have been £50” says the vet, “but you’re the one who insisted on the lab test and the cat scan”.

Can cold water clean dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, they had an early night. The next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted at the dog...'Coldwater, you go lay down now, yah hear me!'

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat...  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.




9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.



11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.  Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.



13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How to give a dog a pill


1. Wrap it in bacon.



2. Toss it in the air.

Talking dog

A guy is driving around in the US and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.

Pearl of a compliment?

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. "

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Speeding ticket?

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 and finally 150 mph. Suddenly, he  thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Barbeques

Barbeques are the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the shops
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4 The man places the meat on the grill.
5 The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6 The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7 The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8 The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10 Everyone praises the man and thanks him for the cooking efforts.
11 The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a bad car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

Cooking lessons

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Definition of marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is called a husband.

Dying wish

John is lying in his death bed in hospital, with his wife sat beside him. He looks into her eyes and in a weak voice says, “Sarah, promise me one last thing”.

“Of course, she says. What is it you want me to do for you?”

He replies, “Promise me that within six months of my dying you will marry Pete”.

“But I thought you hated Pete”, she countered.

“I do” he replied.

Heavenly masterpiece

Husband: "And just you remember. The bibles says that God made man first, not woman."

Wife: "True, but as every artist knows, there is always a rough sketch before the real masterpiece!"

Husband wanted

A woman advertises in the local paper simply stating "Husband wanted" and giving her address. The next day she received over 100 responses. Every one was from another women saying "Please, have mine!"

Lost wife

A man had lost his wife in the supermarket. After searching without success for several minutes he spotted a beautiful young woman. "Excuse me", he said, "but I've lost my wife. Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?".

"Not at all", she replies, "but how will that help you find your wife".

"Oh, you'll see", he says. "She'll put in an appearance within thirty seconds of me talking to a beautiful woman!"

Man in the woods

If a man makes a statement in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Missing passenger

A man is driving his car when a policeman pulls him over. "What's the matter?" says the man.

"Your wife fell out of the passenger seat a couple of miles back", says then policeman.

"Oh, thank goodness for that" he says, "I was getting really worried for a minute. I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Unknown wife

A little boy was telling his Dad about school, and what he'd learned. "Dad", he said, "Did you know that in some parts of the world the man doesn't know his wife at all until the wedding day?".

"Son", Dad replies, "that's true throughout the whole world!"

1st class exam answers?

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. Apparently, these are genuine answers from 16 year olds. I wonder how many grade A results they achieved?


Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs


Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.


Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Children and religion

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Children in Church

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


Children's prayers

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.


One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A fishy tale

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought.......... perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged him to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line doesn't involve a prawn cocktail, it's much worse ). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian ?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,' came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted; 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed............. I've found cod. I'm a prawn again Christian.'

Art theft

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two streets away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

[Editor: I wondered if I had De Gaulle to include this "joke", but having read some of the others I figured I had nothing Toulouse!]

Contract killing

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that the going rate for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...........
Artie chokes two for a pound at Tesco!

New medicinal wine developed

South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More. 

Forgetfulness

A husband and wife go to the doctor because their memories are not what they used to be. The doctor explains that this is common at their age, but to help things, they should write things down more.

That night, after the main course of dinner, the husband asks what his wife would like for pudding. She said that she’d like some tinned peaches. However, she’d like them with some custard, and then with some hundreds and thousands shaken over the top.

As he was leaving, she reminded him what the doctor had said. “Shouldn’t you write it down?” she asked. “I can remember”, he said somewhat irritably. “Peaches; custard; hundreds and thousands”.

He was quite some time in the kitchen. After a while he returned with a plate of eggs, bacon, sausage and baked beans. The wife takes one look at this and exclaims, “See, I told you you’d forget something! Where’s the ketchup?”

Going deaf

A husband asked his doctor about his wife. "I'm sure that she's going deaf" he said. The doctor advised him to test how bad things had got by talking to her from different distances.

That afternoon, with his wife in the kitchen, he calls down from the bedroom, "what's for dinner?". No response. He steps outside the bedroom, and asks again. No response. He moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. No response. He goes down to the bottom of the stairs and tries. Again, no response. He moves to the kitchen door and tries. No response. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks again. At last she responds: "For the sixth time, it's chicken!".

Just what the doctor ordered

A husband and wife visit the doctor, who examines the husband carefully. After a series of tests he takes the wife aside. "Your husband is seriously ill", he says. "He will surely die unless you look after him very carefully. He must have three cooked meals a day. Under no circumstances should be do any chores. He should spend most of his time watching television, and you must provide him with beer or other beverages as often as he needs it. You must make love ten times a week. If you do all this, he will live for a good few years yet".

On the way home the husband asked the wife, "what did the doctor say to you?".

"You're going to die", answered the wife!

Perfect hearing

An elderly man had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to his doctor who recommended him for an operation that would enable him to regain perfect hearing.

A month after the operation he went back to the doctor who confirmed that his hearing was now perfect. "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again” he said.

“Oh, I haven’t told them yet" he said. "I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already!”

Second opinion

A doctor examines his patient and finally gives him the bad news: "I'm afraid there's no hope".

"What, none?" asks the patient. "Absolutely none" responds the doctor.

After a moment the man says "I want a second opinion".

The doctor looks at him for a few seconds and replies, "Okay, there's no hope and you're ugly".

Willing patient

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Reasons for driving accidents

The following statements are apparently true summaries from drivers of how or why an accident occurred.

1.    I thought my window was down, but I found it wasn't when I put my head through it.

2.    The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.

3.    Arriving home, I drove into the wrong house and hit a tree I don't have.

4.    I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way.

5.    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

6.    A pedestrian hit me and went under the car.

7.    The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve many times before I hit him.

8.    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9.    A lorry backed through my windscreen onto my wife’s face.

10.  I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

11.  I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

12.  As I approached the junction, a sign suddenly appeared where no “halt” sign had appeared before.

13.  To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

14.  My car was legally parked as it reversed into another vehicle.

15.  An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and disappeared.

16.  In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telegraph pole.

17.  I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the road when I hit him.

18.  The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

19.  I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the windscreen of my car.

20.  I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

What sex is your computer?

Everybody knows that ships are female, but have you ever wondered whether your computer is male or female?  Research has now been undertaken to answer this very question.

 

A team of five researchers (all men) concluded that computers are female.  The reasons for this are:

 

1.             Nobody but their creator can understand their internal logic.

2.             The language that they use to communicate one with another is totally incomprehensible to others.

3.             The help files are about as intelligible as a woman telling a man “well, if you don’t know why I am angry, I am certainly not going to tell you”!

4.             Once you have committed to a model, you suddenly realise you have to spend a fortune on accessories.

5.             The best thing is the games that you can play with them.

6.             Even your smallest mistake is stored in long-term memory for retrieval many years later.

 

However, the results of this research are being challenged.  An independent research team of five women concluded that computers must be male.  Their logic is as follows:

 

1.             If you want to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 

2.             They are supposed to help you with the problem but half the time they are the problem.

3.             They contain masses of information, but are still clueless.

4.             Once you have committed to a model, you realise that if you had waited a little bit longer you would have got a better one.

5.             Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

6.             No matter what people say, size does count!

A problem with Wife 1.0

St Martin’s IT help line, may I help you?

Yes, I hope so. Last year Rev Tony Ingleby installed a wedding package to upgrade my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I’m not sure that he installed it properly as I’m experiencing some major problems.

Well, what sort of problems are you experiencing?

To start with, the new program has begun unexpected child processing that’s taking up a lot of space and valuable resources. Tony didn’t mention this at all.

Well. Although by no means automatic, I’m afraid this is often a natural consequence of installing wife 1.0.

OK, but that’s not all. Wife 1.0 seems to monitor all other system activity. It frequently overrides other programs.

Can you give me some examples?

Yes. Programs such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run. They crash the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but I can’t get uninstall to work. Can you help me, Please!!!

I’m afraid this is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a basic misunderstanding. Lots of people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program.  In fact, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to control everything.

Well that’s not what I want at all. How can I get back to where I was before?

I’m sorry, but you can’t successfully convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Why not?

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to act like Wife 1.0 so nothing is really gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed.

Well, can I upgrade to Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 instead?

We don’t recommend that. You are likely end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your Manual under "Warnings - Alimony and Child Support.

So what do I do?

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. It might help if you read the entire section regarding General Partner Faults. You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. Your best course of action will be to run a program called APOLOGISE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to run APOLOGISE again before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the General Partner Faults.  

Anything else?

Wife 1.0 is a great program but very high maintenance. We recommend buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. Personally, I like Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage.

Thanks very much.

You’re welcome. We’re here to help you. Have a nice day!

Email addresses

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left one letter out of her e-mail address, and, without realising his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: November 16, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is uneventful as mine was.

P.S Sure is damn hot down here!

Never let the managing director near the equipment

An office junior was heading to the kitchen for a cup of tea when he passed the managing director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the managing director, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the managing director as his paper disappeared inside the shredder, "I just need one copy."

St Martin's IT Help desk

"St Martin’s computer help line, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my computer."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing a letter in Word, and all of a sudden the words went away."

“Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see your desktop?"

"Only just. Most of it is covered with papers and files and mugs"

"OK - never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"...Yes, it is."

“And is it switched on?

Yes, of course it is!

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

“...Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power cut.”

"A power... A power cut? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the stationery cupboard."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too blessed stupid to own a computer!"

Conspiracy theory

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the children to get some PR.

After his talk he offers question time, thinking that he’d be safe with young children.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley", responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break. George Bush informs the children that they will continue after break.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

Election fever: vote for heaven or hell

Walking down Whitehall one day, a Member of Parliament is hit by a truck and tragically dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the gates.


“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, there seems to be a problem. We seldom have high ranking officials around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” says the MP.


“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”


“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”


“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift, which goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and the MP finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly chap who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. It goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.


“Now it's time to visit heaven.”


So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, very quickly, the 24 hours have gone by.


St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”


The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: “I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”


So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.


This time, when the doors of the lift open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it into black bags as more rubbish falls from above.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand,” stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?”


The devil looks at him, smiles and says: “Yesterday, we were campaigning: today, you voted.”

Europe agrees English as common language

European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was another strong contender. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Goverments wil enkorage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth year peopl wil be respetiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ve wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Letter to DEFRA

This is supposed to be a true letter sent to DEFRA. If it is not, it should be!

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your Party at the next general election.

New terrorist threat

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

World peace on demand?

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes. The Genie said, "No ... due to work pressures I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housework. Someone who is sensitive and romantic; gets along with the in-laws, doesn't follow his football team wherever they happen to be playing, and is faithful. That's all I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a very long sigh and said, "OK, let me see that map again!"

Adam & Eve

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise everything you do! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "Well, she's quite expensive you know. She will cost you an arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "So what can I get for a rib?"

Faithful wife

Ezra was in hospital, dying, and his faithful wife, Rebecca, was there beside him.

Ezra looks into his wife’s eyes and says, “Becky, when we were taken into the concentration camps during the war, you were there beside me. When our first born son died, you were there beside me. When my business went bust, and we lost everything, you were there beside me. And now Becky, when I’m dying in hospital, here you are, still beside me. Becky, you’re a jinx!”

Is there a God?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog?

The young monk

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all the subsequent copies.

 

The abbot says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

 

The abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.


Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.


'We missed the
 R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


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