A man brought his pet duck into the vets and laid it down gently onto the examination table. It didn’t move at all. The vet came over and examined the duck carefully. “I’m sorry to tell you” he said, “that you duck has passed on.
“I don’t believe you!” exclaimed the man. “I demand a second opinion”.
The vet opened the door and whistled. A Labrador dog entered the room. It put its front paws on the table by the duck and sniffed it. Then he nudged it with his nose and looked at the man with sad eyes and shook his head before jumping down and leaving the room.
“I’m not accepting the opinion of a dog” he said. “I want another check on my duck. My daughter loves him and I have to make sure”.
“OK” says the vet, and opens the door again. In walks a tabby cat. It jumps up on the table and stands astride the duck. Then it moves its head back and forth across the duck from his beak all the way to his tail. Like the dog, it looks at the man, shakes its head, jumps down and leaves.
“Alright” he says, “I guess the duck is dead. How much do I owe you”?
“£500 please” replies the vet.
“How much!” exclaims the man. “That’s ridiculous”!
“Well, it would have been £50” says the vet, “but you’re the one who insisted on the lab test and the cat scan”.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat... Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. "
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 and finally 150 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. Apparently, these are genuine answers from 16 year olds. I wonder how many grade A results they achieved?
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.
The following statements are apparently true summaries from drivers of how or why an accident occurred.
1. I thought my window was down, but I found it wasn't when I put my head through it.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.
3. Arriving home, I drove into the wrong house and hit a tree I don't have.
4. I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way.
5. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under the car.
7. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve many times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. A lorry backed through my windscreen onto my wife’s face.
10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached the junction, a sign suddenly appeared where no “halt” sign had appeared before.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it reversed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and disappeared.
16. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telegraph pole.
17. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the road when I hit him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the windscreen of my car.
20. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
Everybody knows that ships are female, but have you ever wondered whether your computer is male or female? Research has now been undertaken to answer this very question.
A team of five researchers (all men) concluded that computers are female. The reasons for this are:
1. Nobody but their creator can understand their internal logic.
2. The language that they use to communicate one with another is totally incomprehensible to others.
3. The help files are about as intelligible as a woman telling a man “well, if you don’t know why I am angry, I am certainly not going to tell you”!
4. Once you have committed to a model, you suddenly realise you have to spend a fortune on accessories.
5. The best thing is the games that you can play with them.
6. Even your smallest mistake is stored in long-term memory for retrieval many years later.
However, the results of this research are being challenged. An independent research team of five women concluded that computers must be male. Their logic is as follows:
1. If you want to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They are supposed to help you with the problem but half the time they are the problem.
3. They contain masses of information, but are still clueless.
4. Once you have committed to a model, you realise that if you had waited a little bit longer you would have got a better one.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
6. No matter what people say, size does count!
St Martin’s IT help line, may I help you?
Yes, I hope so. Last year Rev Tony Ingleby installed a wedding package to upgrade my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I’m not sure that he installed it properly as I’m experiencing some major problems.
Well, what sort of problems are you experiencing?
To start with, the new program has begun unexpected child processing that’s taking up a lot of space and valuable resources. Tony didn’t mention this at all.
Well. Although by no means automatic, I’m afraid this is often a natural consequence of installing wife 1.0.
OK, but that’s not all. Wife 1.0 seems to monitor all other system activity. It frequently overrides other programs.
Can you give me some examples?
Yes. Programs such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run. They crash the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but I can’t get uninstall to work. Can you help me, Please!!!
I’m afraid this is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a basic misunderstanding. Lots of people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. In fact, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to control everything.
Well that’s not what I want at all. How can I get back to where I was before?
I’m sorry, but you can’t successfully convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to act like Wife 1.0 so nothing is really gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed.
Well, can I upgrade to Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 instead?
We don’t recommend that. You are likely end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your Manual under "Warnings - Alimony and Child Support.
So what do I do?
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. It might help if you read the entire section regarding General Partner Faults. You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. Your best course of action will be to run a program called APOLOGISE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to run APOLOGISE again before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the General Partner Faults.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but very high maintenance. We recommend buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. Personally, I like Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage.
Thanks very much.
You’re welcome. We’re here to help you. Have a nice day!
"St Martin’s computer help line, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my computer."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing a letter in Word, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see your desktop?"
"Only just. Most of it is covered with papers and files and mugs"
"OK - never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...Yes, it is."
“And is it switched on?
Yes, of course it is!
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
“...Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut.”
"A power... A power cut? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the stationery cupboard."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too blessed stupid to own a computer!"
Walking down Whitehall one day, a Member of Parliament is hit by a truck and tragically dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the gates.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, there seems to be a problem. We seldom have high ranking officials around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the MP.
“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”
“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift, which goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and the MP finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly chap who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. It goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it's time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, very quickly, the 24 hours have gone by.
St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: “I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
This time, when the doors of the lift open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it into black bags as more rubbish falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand,” stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says: “Yesterday, we were campaigning: today, you voted.”
European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was another strong contender. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Goverments wil enkorage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the forth year peopl wil be respetiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ve wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes. The Genie said, "No ... due to work pressures I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housework. Someone who is sensitive and romantic; gets along with the in-laws, doesn't follow his football team wherever they happen to be playing, and is faithful. That's all I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a very long sigh and said, "OK, let me see that map again!"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all the subsequent copies.
The abbot says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
The abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
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