AUG
22
St Martin's Church
St Martin’s Church Centre
Church Street
Liskeard
Cornwall
PL14 3AQ
Tel: 01579 347411 (Church Office)
Email: St Martin's Church 
Facebook: LiskeardPrayers
Twitter: @liskeardprayers
Click here for our church services
Rob Frost Photography,
Well Being Centre, Pigmeadow Lane, Liskeard, PL14 6AT. Tel:01579 344090
Ward Randall Limited, Chartered Accountants and Registered Auditors

1st class exam answers?

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. Apparently, these are genuine answers from 16 year olds. I wonder how many grade A results they achieved?


Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs


Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.


Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Children and religion

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Children in Church

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


Children's prayers

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.


One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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