OCT
16
St Martin's Church
St Martin’s Church Centre
Church Street
Liskeard
Cornwall
PL14 3AQ
Tel: 01579 347411 (Church Office)
Email: St Martin's Church 
Facebook: LiskeardPrayers
Twitter: @liskeardprayers
Click here for our church services
Ward Randall Limited, Chartered Accountants and Registered Auditors
Well Being Centre, Pigmeadow Lane, Liskeard, PL14 6AT. Tel:01579 344090
Rob Frost Photography,

Dead duck

A man brought his pet duck into the vets and laid it down gently onto the examination table. It didn’t move at all. The vet came over and examined the duck carefully. “I’m sorry to tell you” he said, “that you duck has passed on.

“I don’t believe you!” exclaimed the man. “I demand a second opinion”.

The vet opened the door and whistled. A Labrador dog entered the room. It put its front paws on the table by the duck and sniffed it. Then he nudged it with his nose and looked at the man with sad eyes and shook his head before jumping down and leaving the room.

“I’m not accepting the opinion of a dog” he said. “I want another check on my duck. My daughter loves him and I have to make sure”.

“OK” says the vet, and opens the door again. In walks a tabby cat. It jumps up on the table and stands astride the duck. Then it moves its head back and forth across the duck from his beak all the way to his tail. Like the dog, it looks at the man, shakes its head, jumps down and leaves.

“Alright” he says, “I guess the duck is dead. How much do I owe you”?

“£500 please” replies the vet.

“How much!” exclaims the man. “That’s ridiculous”!

“Well, it would have been £50” says the vet, “but you’re the one who insisted on the lab test and the cat scan”.

Can cold water clean dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, they had an early night. The next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted at the dog...'Coldwater, you go lay down now, yah hear me!'

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat...  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.




9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.



11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.  Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.



13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How to give a dog a pill


1. Wrap it in bacon.



2. Toss it in the air.

Talking dog

A guy is driving around in the US and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.

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