A husband and wife go to the doctor because their memories are not what they used to be. The doctor explains that this is common at their age, but to help things, they should write things down more.
That night, after the main course of dinner, the husband asks what his wife would like for pudding. She said that she’d like some tinned peaches. However, she’d like them with some custard, and then with some hundreds and thousands shaken over the top.
As he was leaving, she reminded him what the doctor had said. “Shouldn’t you write it down?” she asked. “I can remember”, he said somewhat irritably. “Peaches; custard; hundreds and thousands”.
He was quite some time in the kitchen. After a while he returned with a plate of eggs, bacon, sausage and baked beans. The wife takes one look at this and exclaims, “See, I told you you’d forget something! Where’s the ketchup?”
A husband asked his doctor about his wife. "I'm sure that she's going deaf" he said. The doctor advised him to test how bad things had got by talking to her from different distances.
That afternoon, with his wife in the kitchen, he calls down from the bedroom, "what's for dinner?". No response. He steps outside the bedroom, and asks again. No response. He moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. No response. He goes down to the bottom of the stairs and tries. Again, no response. He moves to the kitchen door and tries. No response. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks again. At last she responds: "For the sixth time, it's chicken!".
Just what the doctor ordered
A husband and wife visit the doctor, who examines the husband carefully. After a series of tests he takes the wife aside. "Your husband is seriously ill", he says. "He will surely die unless you look after him very carefully. He must have three cooked meals a day. Under no circumstances should be do any chores. He should spend most of his time watching television, and you must provide him with beer or other beverages as often as he needs it. You must make love ten times a week. If you do all this, he will live for a good few years yet".
On the way home the husband asked the wife, "what did the doctor say to you?".
"You're going to die", answered the wife!
An elderly man had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to his doctor who recommended him for an operation that would enable him to regain perfect hearing.
A month after the operation he went back to the doctor who confirmed that his hearing was now perfect. "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again” he said.
“Oh, I haven’t told them yet" he said. "I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already!”
A doctor examines his patient and finally gives him the bad news: "I'm afraid there's no hope".
"What, none?" asks the patient. "Absolutely none" responds the doctor.
After a moment the man says "I want a second opinion".
The doctor looks at him for a few seconds and replies, "Okay, there's no hope and you're ugly".
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."