Pearl of a compliment?
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. "
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 and finally 150 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
Barbeques are the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the shops
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4 The man places the meat on the grill.
5 The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6 The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7 The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8 The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10 Everyone praises the man and thanks him for the cooking efforts.
11 The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
A woman and a man are involved in a bad car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Definition of marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is called a husband.
John is lying in his death bed in hospital, with his wife sat beside him. He looks into her eyes and in a weak voice says, “Sarah, promise me one last thing”.
“Of course, she says. What is it you want me to do for you?”
He replies, “Promise me that within six months of my dying you will marry Pete”.
“But I thought you hated Pete”, she countered.
“I do” he replied.
Husband: "And just you remember. The bibles says that God made man first, not woman."
Wife: "True, but as every artist knows, there is always a rough sketch before the real masterpiece!"
A woman advertises in the local paper simply stating "Husband wanted" and giving her address. The next day she received over 100 responses. Every one was from another women saying "Please, have mine!"
A man had lost his wife in the supermarket. After searching without success for several minutes he spotted a beautiful young woman. "Excuse me", he said, "but I've lost my wife. Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?".
"Not at all", she replies, "but how will that help you find your wife".
"Oh, you'll see", he says. "She'll put in an appearance within thirty seconds of me talking to a beautiful woman!"
Man in the woods
If a man makes a statement in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
A man is driving his car when a policeman pulls him over. "What's the matter?" says the man.
"Your wife fell out of the passenger seat a couple of miles back", says then policeman.
"Oh, thank goodness for that" he says, "I was getting really worried for a minute. I thought I'd gone deaf!"
The husband store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A little boy was telling his Dad about school, and what he'd learned. "Dad", he said, "Did you know that in some parts of the world the man doesn't know his wife at all until the wedding day?".
"Son", Dad replies, "that's true throughout the whole world!"