OCT
16
St Martin's Church
St Martin’s Church Centre
Church Street
Liskeard
Cornwall
PL14 3AQ
Tel: 01579 347411 (Church Office)
Email: St Martin's Church 
Facebook: LiskeardPrayers
Twitter: @liskeardprayers
Click here for our church services
Well Being Centre, Pigmeadow Lane, Liskeard, PL14 6AT. Tel:01579 344090
Rob Frost Photography,
Ward Randall Limited, Chartered Accountants and Registered Auditors

Conspiracy theory

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the children to get some PR.

After his talk he offers question time, thinking that he’d be safe with young children.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley", responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break. George Bush informs the children that they will continue after break.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

Election fever: vote for heaven or hell

Walking down Whitehall one day, a Member of Parliament is hit by a truck and tragically dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the gates.


“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, there seems to be a problem. We seldom have high ranking officials around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” says the MP.


“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”


“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”


“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift, which goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and the MP finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly chap who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. It goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.


“Now it's time to visit heaven.”


So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, very quickly, the 24 hours have gone by.


St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”


The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: “I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”


So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.


This time, when the doors of the lift open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it into black bags as more rubbish falls from above.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand,” stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?”


The devil looks at him, smiles and says: “Yesterday, we were campaigning: today, you voted.”

Europe agrees English as common language

European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was another strong contender. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Goverments wil enkorage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth year peopl wil be respetiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ve wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Letter to DEFRA

This is supposed to be a true letter sent to DEFRA. If it is not, it should be!

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your Party at the next general election.

New terrorist threat

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

World peace on demand?

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes. The Genie said, "No ... due to work pressures I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housework. Someone who is sensitive and romantic; gets along with the in-laws, doesn't follow his football team wherever they happen to be playing, and is faithful. That's all I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a very long sigh and said, "OK, let me see that map again!"

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