OCT
16
St Martin's Church
St Martin’s Church Centre
Church Street
Liskeard
Cornwall
PL14 3AQ
Tel: 01579 347411 (Church Office)
Email: St Martin's Church 
Facebook: LiskeardPrayers
Twitter: @liskeardprayers
Click here for our church services
Well Being Centre, Pigmeadow Lane, Liskeard, PL14 6AT. Tel:01579 344090
Rob Frost Photography,
Ward Randall Limited, Chartered Accountants and Registered Auditors

What sex is your computer?

Everybody knows that ships are female, but have you ever wondered whether your computer is male or female?  Research has now been undertaken to answer this very question.

 

A team of five researchers (all men) concluded that computers are female.  The reasons for this are:

 

1.             Nobody but their creator can understand their internal logic.

2.             The language that they use to communicate one with another is totally incomprehensible to others.

3.             The help files are about as intelligible as a woman telling a man “well, if you don’t know why I am angry, I am certainly not going to tell you”!

4.             Once you have committed to a model, you suddenly realise you have to spend a fortune on accessories.

5.             The best thing is the games that you can play with them.

6.             Even your smallest mistake is stored in long-term memory for retrieval many years later.

 

However, the results of this research are being challenged.  An independent research team of five women concluded that computers must be male.  Their logic is as follows:

 

1.             If you want to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 

2.             They are supposed to help you with the problem but half the time they are the problem.

3.             They contain masses of information, but are still clueless.

4.             Once you have committed to a model, you realise that if you had waited a little bit longer you would have got a better one.

5.             Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

6.             No matter what people say, size does count!

A problem with Wife 1.0

St Martin’s IT help line, may I help you?

Yes, I hope so. Last year Rev Tony Ingleby installed a wedding package to upgrade my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I’m not sure that he installed it properly as I’m experiencing some major problems.

Well, what sort of problems are you experiencing?

To start with, the new program has begun unexpected child processing that’s taking up a lot of space and valuable resources. Tony didn’t mention this at all.

Well. Although by no means automatic, I’m afraid this is often a natural consequence of installing wife 1.0.

OK, but that’s not all. Wife 1.0 seems to monitor all other system activity. It frequently overrides other programs.

Can you give me some examples?

Yes. Programs such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run. They crash the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but I can’t get uninstall to work. Can you help me, Please!!!

I’m afraid this is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a basic misunderstanding. Lots of people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program.  In fact, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to control everything.

Well that’s not what I want at all. How can I get back to where I was before?

I’m sorry, but you can’t successfully convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Why not?

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to act like Wife 1.0 so nothing is really gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed.

Well, can I upgrade to Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 instead?

We don’t recommend that. You are likely end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your Manual under "Warnings - Alimony and Child Support.

So what do I do?

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. It might help if you read the entire section regarding General Partner Faults. You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. Your best course of action will be to run a program called APOLOGISE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to run APOLOGISE again before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the General Partner Faults.  

Anything else?

Wife 1.0 is a great program but very high maintenance. We recommend buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. Personally, I like Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage.

Thanks very much.

You’re welcome. We’re here to help you. Have a nice day!

Email addresses

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left one letter out of her e-mail address, and, without realising his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: November 16, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is uneventful as mine was.

P.S Sure is damn hot down here!

Never let the managing director near the equipment

An office junior was heading to the kitchen for a cup of tea when he passed the managing director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the managing director, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the managing director as his paper disappeared inside the shredder, "I just need one copy."

St Martin's IT Help desk

"St Martin’s computer help line, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my computer."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing a letter in Word, and all of a sudden the words went away."

“Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see your desktop?"

"Only just. Most of it is covered with papers and files and mugs"

"OK - never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"...Yes, it is."

“And is it switched on?

Yes, of course it is!

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

“...Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power cut.”

"A power... A power cut? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the stationery cupboard."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too blessed stupid to own a computer!"

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